A Heavy Heart

Caution: This is a very blunt post about my feelings right now. Read as much as you wish to know.

My students are "asleep" which means I am watching them wiggle and roll on their mats and trying to get them to rest.
About two weeks ago, a student at our school was killed in a four wheeler accident. The mother is my "personal trainer" ( I use parenthasies because she does not charge and it is a group of us that she works with up at the school) and a very dear friend. I cannot wrap my mind around the pain she much be going through. My heart is broken for her. It is also painful to watch the small chilren of our school, mainly his classmates, go through this at such a young age. Their best friend died. He was so young and full of life. He was a believer already and is waiting for us all in heaven, probably playing basketball or something he loves. His siblings have returned to school and are doing well, but my heart is still broken for my grieving friend. We miss her deeply and despereately here at school. She is such an encouragment to many of us. She brings me such joy with her smile everyday. My prayer for her is to find peace and find some sense of normal in their new road as a family. I hope she can find her way to school soon and return to us.
My second heartbreak right now is a baby. Being a mother has been my wish my entire life, but I have also been told all of my life that it would not be possible. I always told myself that if I prayed hard enough and wished long enough that I would become pregnant when I got married. When I met Chad, my heart for adoption grew bigger and became more real to me, but I still told myself that when I was older I would get pregnant because I wanted it so bad. We both want children. We want our family with little ones running around. We also have been praying for a long time about when we should have children. We wanted them fairly quickly after we got married and knew we would more than likely hit road blocks. We wanted to start the very long road to parenthood under God's will and see what was ahead. We have talked extensively and prayed abudantly what should happen. We know that I do not need to be off any of my medicines including the bc. We also know that we DO NOT want to do fertility drugs and in vitro and mess with my body. Both of these make me a crazy person and that is not good for any human I am in contact with :)
So basically, we want to get pregant or we will adopt. We just feel like why try SO hard and screw u my body chemistry when there are precious babies that need homes and families to provide for them. This is where is become VERY hard for me. There have a been a few moments that we thought I might be with child, but no such luck. After thinking about it, I do not want my child to hvae to deal with my medical issues so conceiving has become almost a bad idea to me. I also would love to feel that baby move in my belly. I would love to have belly pictures and I would love to feel it grow inside of me. I know this is not for me. God has spoken to us and we know that adoption is for us. God is working on my heart to fall deeply in love with a child destined to be ours. I am just not good at waiting. We will have to wait until he is done with school adn we can afford a house. We want to be ready, stable, and prepared for a child. I am just learning to love the waiting game. I am learning to rely on God to carry us through. God is working on our marriage, on us as individuals, and on my heart. I love my job, and I am not ready to be a stay at home mom. It is a weird place to be in, and my husband is so very supportive. He is my champion, my hero, my best friend. He is going to be a fabulous father some day and I cannot wait to see that. We are still so young and have many greay years ahead. I just need to be patient and wait. I need to wait on the Lord's will. I need to wait until my husband is done with school. I need to wait until we have a good home to live in as a family. I pray that this journey grows me. I pray daily for the child that will someday be ours. I pray for the family that has to part with a child that we can give it life. My heart is heavy. The Lord is good and he knows what he is doing. OK I am done. THe kids are awake. Love ya, see ya, bye!